Scholars Embrace Idea of Unintelligent Design

WASHINGTON – A panel of collegiate professors, with specialties ranging from anthropology to religious studies, today released a 450-page report arguing for the viability of the theory of Unintelligent Design.

“We now believe that it’s highly unlikely that our magnificent planet and all of it’s wondrous life could have been created by random evolution,” said panel head Dr. Walter Potemkin, “But what kind of creator would allow a species like man to rise up and pollute that beautiful environment? Well, that proves that He or She is obviously an idiot.”

Scientists are now using Unintelligent Design to solve life’s great mysteries ranging from: why bad things happen to good people, why humans were not born with roller-skate like devices to aid in walking, and questions over the mass extinctions of species.

“Evidence for the stupidity of the universe was right here in the fossil record all along. Take a look at the dinosaurs, the most awesome thing that God ever created in It’s dumb luck, but then God destroyed them all with a meteor,” said archeologist Thomas Bertram, “It’s like when you were a stupid kid and you put your sweet G.I. Joe in the microwave. Sure, it was cool for a second in the end, you only had your lame toys left to play with, like those Captain Planet action figures. Or in God’s case, the muskrat.”

Bertram also saw evidence of the new theory in more recent examples of evolution such as the dolphin, which evolved from a water creature to a land mammal only to go back into the ocean. Bertram stated that if that’s not evidence an unintelligent creator, it’s “at least evidence of a creator that’s not very forward thinking.”

Other scholars, such as Biblical expert Dr. Laura Wright, look to scripture for evidence of Unintelligent Design.

“There is a lot of wisdom in the Bible about God’s lack of wisdom,” said Dr. Wright, “After leaving Egypt, Moses and his followers had to wander the desert for 40 years. This was clearly a sign that Yahweh had no idea what to do next. He was just making the chosen people walk around in endless circles so He could buy Himself sometime to figure out what he wanted to do by .”

Wright went on to add that, while she has had writer’s block in the past, it’s never taken her “40 years to come up with a frickin’ 10 item list.”

Dr. Potemkin closed by saying, “It’s clear now that if we view God as a great clockmaker tickering on the endless gears of the cosmos... the clock that is our universe is endlessly flashing 12 o’clock.”