The Importance of Being Sconnie

I was recently sent this article on a bar in Allouez, WI opening soon called Sconnie’s Pub and Eatery. At first, I was excited to hear about this. After all, my friends Casey, Jon, and I often dreamed about opening a bar called the Sconnie that would feature all Wisconsin beers, Fleishmann’s would be top-shelf liquor, there would be a shrine facing Lambeau Field for daily prayers and all food would be deep-fried. The idea of our dream Sconnie bar stuck in our minds so long that we made a skit about it when we founded a comedy group in Madison, the now dearly departed Public Drunkards. The production values are terrible but the Sconnie pride shows through so that it is still a favorite even if the audio sounds like it was recorded on Thomas Edison’s original record player.

Here's the skit. Note: Video is in no way work safe.



Sure, there have been Wisconsin themed restaurants out there, like The Old Fashioned in Madison that I love it dearly but it’s a little fancy to be true Sconnie. Real Sconnie is the rough, partying too hard until you pass out parts of Wisconsin. Real Sconnie is inventing new types of fried food and then, upon creation, promptly finding a way to inject molten cheese into it. I had hoped that this bar was going to be the real Sconnie bar that I had long dreamed of… still I had reservations right away.

First of all, they call it Sconnie’s Pub and Eatery. I’ve never had a Sconnie guy ask me if I want to go to the Pub. Unless of course they are asking me to go to The Pub, the dirty pool hall with an occasionally-working air hockey table and free popcorn that has Cheetos mixed in (a very Sconnie bar, btw). No, in Wisconsin, you go to the BAR.

Secondly, the teaser line below the headline stated: “Allouez pub and eatery will cater to business lunches, fine diners.” When it should have really read: “Allouez BAR and GRILL will cater to HUNTING PARTIES, BAR CRAWLS.” But at this point, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and assumed that fine diners is just code for people who get at least 3 plates of the Friday Fish Fry.

But what really got me angry enough to start a blog specifically to complain about how I don’t like a bar that I’ve never been to was this statement:

"We want to do a Wisconsin theme, but not overboard," Hanson said.

What? But not overboard, you say? The whole point of being Sconnie is going overboard. Overboard in drinking, eating, tailgating, everything. Saying you want to be Wisconsin-themed but not go overboard is like if the RNC had said for their convention, "Let's not have too many shows of blind patriotism in St. Paul." Sconnie's is located in Allouez, the place where THE VINCE LOMBARDI once lived, if they can't overdo Wisconsin, no place can. From that point on, I knew that this bar was a mere pretender to the throne and in this blog, I will spend way too long explaining how un-Sconnie this bar truly is while celebrating the greatness of real Sconnie.

Sconnie is a word of pride in Wisconsin and should not be taken lightly nor used for cheap marketing purposes. There are two main groups of people who call themselves Sconnie: Native Born Sconnie and Immigrant Sconnie. Native Born Sconnie folk grew up in Wisconsin, have a pride in their homeland and it’s overconsumption hertitage of beer, Packers, and cheese. You can find Native Born Sconnies all over the state, from the Northwoods to Milwaukee to strange foreign lands like Minneapolis where many have been forced to move for work or for partner insurance benefits.

Immigrant Sconnies are folks who have moved to Wisconsin from elsewhere and have chosen to embrace their new home. Many Native Born Sconnies in Madison choose to deride Immigrant Sconnies, viewing them as no different as any other of the hated “Coasties.” But I say, once you have partied with me at a Badger tailgate, drank with me at Mifflin, and vomited with me on the morning after… you are my brother or sister no matter where you were born. In fact, one night I saw a UW-Madison student from India drink an entire group of Native Borns under the table, proving that he was the most Sconnie one there. I view Wisconsin as a melting pot, except we take everything from that melting pot and we flash fry it.

When it comes to marketing Sconnie, the most prominent users of the Sconnie name is the website Sconnie Nation founded by the guys who trademarked the name and made the now famous Sconnie t-shirts. Sure, Sconnie Nation seems to be aimed primarily at those who I call Immigrant Sconnies and there is a little tongue-in-cheek irony there but I’ll allow it as most people in Madison don’t know how to enjoy anything if it isn’t filtered through an ironic prism. But, overall, I think they do a fine job of spreading the image of Sconnie life and give the site a great community feel. Everything on the site is filled to the brine with pure Wisconsin, much like the La Crosse Oktoberfest patron filled to the brim with bratwurst and beer.

And this takes us back to Sconnie’s Pub and Eatery, where they don’t want to go “overboard” with being Sconnie even though that’s the exact thing that made the Sconnie t-shirt line such a success. There are several quotes in the rest of the article that showed how they are failing to embrace true Wisconsin heritage.

“Wireless computer connection will be available and TVs will be tuned to business news channels during lunch, Hanson said.”

Business news channels are not Sconnie. Sure a lot of Sconnie folk work during the day but it’s only so they can make money to afford true Sconnie things like going to a Packer game or buying copious amount of cheddar. While you are in a true Sconnie bar, you shouldn’t feel like you are wearing a white collar, instead you should feel like you are wearing flannel. TVs at a Sconnie bar should be tuned to fishing shows and maybe FSN North, but the channel needs to be changed if they are showing any games featuring the Cubs or Vikings unless the Cubs or Vikings are losing badly.

“Music will be provided by an online system.
"If someone wants a request song; done," Hanson said.”

Internet jukeboxes suck. The joy of a record or CD based jukebox is that familiar songs that regularly come up on the jukebox become part of the atmosphere of the bar. Sure, internet jukeboxes can play almost any song you want but part of the fun in physical media jukeboxes is hunting around for something good, finding a great song on a real jukebox is like finding musical treasure. Like many other bars that have switched to internet jukeboxes, The Plaza Tavern lost a little bit of it’s Sconnieocity (definition: the degree to which a place is Sconnie) when it switched from an awesome sweet CD jukebox to an internet jukebox, it was if a part of the bar itself was gone. Also, a Sconnie bar with a CD jukebox should have Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald and Johnny Horton somewhere on there, it’s mandatory.

“They'll also have Guinness and other imported beers and 20 martinis.
"We want to have one of the best Guinnesses," Hanson said.”

Guinness? THIS IS THE WORST OFFENSE! You are called Sconnie’s and you are serving beer imported from another country? I like some imported beers but not in a bar that supposed to be celebrating Wisco state. Couldn’t you just get a good stout brewed in Wisconsin, like Futhermore’s Three-Feet Deep stout or Gray’s Oatmeal Stout. If you are looking how to do a good beer menu, look at the aforementioned Old Fashioned, a great Wisconsin themed restaurant where all the beers they serve are brewed in Wisconsin with the exception of their ‘imported’ beers: Bud and Bud Light. If you want to serve Guinness and do a bar theme that’s mere window dressing, just do what everyone did and open up an Irish Pub.

In conclusion, Sconnie’s Pub and Eatery should have as it’s motto: half-assed. True Sconnie spirit is what makes a Sconnie bar not what’s on the sign outside the bar and we should celebrate true Sconnie bars like:

The Joynt in Eau Claire, where they refuse to serve any light beer, that is a true Sconnie bar.

The Frequency in Madison, where they don’t have an Internet jukebox, even though they just opened this summer, and instead have a CD jukebox with local Wisconsin musicians, that is a true Sconnie bar.

Wolski’s Tavern in Milwaukee, where they are just about to celebrate the 100th anniversary of opening a tavern in the SAME BUILDING they are still in today, that is a true Sconnie bar.

But… Sconnie’s Pub and Eatery, you sir, are no Sconnie bar.