Friday, April 3, 2009

Joey Laurence Jokes

  • What is Joey Laurence's favorite song from the 2008 film Slumdog Millionaire?
  • "Jai Whoa!"
  • If Joey Laurence starred in a post-apocalypic movie, what would the title be?
  • The Whoa!-ed Warrior
  • If Joey Laurence was shopping for bicycles in Madison, Wisconsin, where would he go to buy a bicycle?
  • Machinery Whoa! Bicycles
  • It is well known that Joey Laurence is a staunch Republican, but who was his favorite advisor to the Bush Administration?
  • Karl Whoa!ve
  • In his book, China's Economy: The Tiger Awakes, what does author Joey Laurence credit as a key event in China's development?
  • The Sino - Whoa!viet Split.
  • When Joey Laurence was a reporter for the Chicago Sun Times, what did he think were the 5 'W' Questions?
  • Who, What, Where, When, Whoa! ... and How
  • If Joey Laurence were cast in a Star Wars film, what role would he play?
  • He would play the dual roles of Han SoWhoa! and Luke SkyWhoa!ker
  • What is Joey Laurence's favorite newspaper that covers the Ho-Chunk Nation?
  • The HocakWhoa!rak
  • When Joey Laurence is trying to bed an unwilling female, what does he use to convince her to go back to his place?
  • Whoa!hypnol
  • If you are getting an autograph from Joey Laurence, what will he give you if you slip him an extra 20 bucks?
  • A Whoa!job
  • When Joey Laurence's wife gave birth to a baby girl on May 10th, 2006, what did Mr. Joey Laurence say?
  • "Oh my, I wish I had some sort of word to describe my surprise at this very moment... Something to express my delight at seeing my daughter come out of her mother's Whoa!mb."

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Dan Potacke Show

Here's a quick promotional video for The Dan Potacke Show: the most electrifying live talk show ever seen on a Monday afternoon in Madison. Every other Monday at the Frequency, host Dan Potacke performs onstage comedy and interviews people from all around Madison. If the show goes well, you'll laugh. If the show goes poorly, you'll get to watch Dan Potacke cry on stage, which will probably also make you laugh. And the show is free, what do you have to lose? The Dan Potacke Show, it's an excuse to drink on a Monday.

And even better than my own video, here's a super sweet news report from Colorado.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

25 Random Facts About Meat

These lists of 25 random facts seem popular on Facebook. Am I doing this right?

1. Meat, in the common modern definition, refers to the muscle tissue and selected edible organs of animals. Fish are sometimes not considered to be meat. Eggs and milk are usually not considered to be meat. Paper is almost never considered to be meat.

2. Meat is not eaten by everyone. Those who do not eat meat are known as poor people.

3. Meat of all types is eaten by Muslims, with the exception of pork. This is because the Koran states that Muhammad was transported to the Temple of Solomon where Allah showed Muhammad the movie Babe.

4. Meat is not a semi-forgotten sci-fi franchise that will be relaunched as a huge summer movie directed by JJ Abrams. You are thinking of Star Trek.

5. Meat is often molded into sculptures of Family Guy characters as a form of pop-art. Most popular is the Meat-er Griffin.

6. Meat is what some people call the inside of fruit. Like when someone says, “I’m scooping out the meat of the grapefruit.” That just sounds gross.

7. Meat has almost no carbs. I thought this was obvious but I saw this fact on some billboard as I driving into Milwaukee so maybe some stupid people out there don’t know this.

8. Meat production is viewed by a U.N. study as having drastically increase the following: air and water pollution, land degradation, climate change, loss of biodiversity, and your inability to enjoy a burger right after reading this.

9. Meat is divided into red meat and white meat. White meat is supposed to be healthier than red meat which seems a little racist to me.

10. Meat and milk are not allowed to be mixed under the Jewish dietary law of kashrut, but kashrut says nothing about mixing milk and fish so feel free to enjoy that halibut milkshake.

11. Meat, in the future, may be grown from meat samples as in-vitro muscle tissue in laboratories, eliminating the need to kill animals. Hunting will still take place, as guys in orange will get drunk and head out into the woods to slay wild petri-dishes.

12. Meat often comes from animals that never have a chance to leave a small pen their entire lives where they have to eat food off of a floor covered in their own poop. So, really, the lives of these animals are not unlike the lives of people who live in efficiency apartments.

13. Meat is one of the only forms of food that comes in T form.

14. Meat from lions has been dismissed as a farmable food source, according to studies by industrial farm groups that said it wouldn’t be profitable. Seriously, they were looking to raise lions for meat?

15. Meat is a term that Aboriginal Australians use that refers to their clans. I.E. “What meat are you from?” If I was from Australia, I hope I would be from the Buffalo Wing clan.

16. Meat market is often a term used for bars where people are trying to hook up and meat is often used at a slang term for male genitalia. I found both of these facts out when I went to a place that I thought was a deli, as a friend described it as a “meat market,” and asked for a good, think cut of meat.

17. Meat can be purchased from Whole Foods. The meat will usually be free-range and organic, the trade-offs are higher prices and dealing with nasty stares from the hippie customers.

18. Meat is considered to be unhealthy by many nutritionists. For example, the T-Rex ate a diet consisting entirely of meat and you don’t see them around anymore.

19. Meat and Oprah once got into a protracted legal battle. Oprah won but meat shouldn’t take it too badly, no one can beat Oprah.

20. Meat, according to the Bible, has been edible ever since God allowed Noah to eat meat after the great flood. Boy, it had to suck for that cow who just sat through that boat trip only to get to dry land and find out that I’m dinner.

21. Meat and potatoes are often viewed as perfect partners in making a good meal. This is just an illusion as relations between meat and potatoes have been strained for the last several years.

22. Meat you buy at the grocery store is often from another country and has travelled thousands of miles. While you have probably never left the United States, except for maybe one time studying abroad. What are you doing with your life when ground chuck has traveled more than you?

23. Meat, as a topic, can only generate 22 interesting facts.

24. Meat is often held to the face when someone receives a black eye. The meat doesn’t actually do anything to decrease the swelling but it won’t judge you when you cry from the pain of getting hit in the face.

25. Meat is. It just is, man.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Sweet Article on this Dan Potacke Fellow

Normally, I don't post links to other blogs but I was taken aback by a fantastic article in The Decider, the online version of The Onion A.V. Club - Madison. The article in question is about a fellow named Dan Potacke and for some reason, I loved everything this Potacke character had to say.

Check it out at :
The Dan Potacke Show drives forward without thinking

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Wisconsin News Roundup - January 28th, 2009

This wasn't funny so I deleted it. I'll make another one.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Wisconsin News Roundup - January 21, 2009

In this first edition of Wisconsin News Roundup, a program dedicated to mocking news from all over Wisconsin, I cover the impact of the Obama inauguration on Wisconsin, a new report on deer collisions, and the scandal over the Mayor of Racine's attempts to pick up teenage girls on the internet.

Couple notes: In the future, I will turn down the volume on the microphone so I don't spike it as often. I will also move my script notes to the side, as opposed to right under the camera, so I don't look as crosseyed.

Monday, January 19, 2009

A list of things that I just don't understand.

  • Why people like the movie Marley and Me... I saw it 20 years ago when it was called Turner and Hooch. Only difference is that Turner and Hooch had Tom Hanks and sweet buddy cop sequences, which make it the far superior work.
  • People who think parrots are good pets.
  • How I never knew plow trains existed until a few weeks ago.
  • How people other than me don't think plow trains are the most awesome thing ever.
  • The Society for Creative Anachronism.
  • Tim and Eric.
  • Why FedEx still delivers on MLK Day when the Post Office doesn't. Does FedEx hate black people?
  • Gin in forms other than "and tonic"/"and juice."
  • How Kelly Clarkson can do a song like "Since You've Been Gone" that talks about how much better her life is now that she is out of a bad relationship but then go and do a song like her new single "My Life Would Suck Without You." With lyrics like "Being with you is so dysfunctional, I really shouldn’t miss you, but I can’t let go," and "I know that I’ve got issues, But you’re pretty messed up too, Anyway, I found out I’m nothing without you," Ms. Clarkson is clearly in a destructive, co-dependent relationship. That's backsliding, Kelly, for shame.
You used to be so strong, Kelly.
  • Twitter.
  • The fact that people in Madison aren't scared of the end of the Bush administration. The drop off in sales of Anti-Bush buttons and bumper stickers is going to kill off 10% of the stores in town.
  • How Jesus jokes can still be considered edgy.
  • People who still use Hotmail accounts.
  • Why Michael Cera won't sign on for the Arrested Development movie.
  • What makes pomegranates so amazing.
  • How the economy works.
  • How Battlestar Galactica can get so much press coverage when, like, 5 people watch it.
  • Why it's so damn difficult for me to come up with a name for my one-person "production company."
  • That I didn't realize that we could have ended racism years ago, all we needed to do was have Wisconsin State Journal editoral cartoonist Phil Hands do a strip about it.
Phil Hands: 1, Racism: 0.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Wait, I haven’t had my scandal yet!

Guest Blog by: Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Steve Preston

Hi, everybody, call me Steve, I’m the HUD Secretary for the United States and I can’t wait to get started on my scandal. Sure, almost everyone in the cabinet has had some sort of scandal but 2009 is Secretary Preston’s time to shine. And by shine, I mean 'disgrace the country.'

Hold up, you are saying the Bush Administration is over? But I haven’t had my scandal yet, it’s why I went into politics. When I was a kid, I grew up watching all the scandals of the Nixon years with Agnew and the rest getting involved in all sorts of shady deals. All of America knew who those men were and what crimes they had committed… and that’s just the point, all of America knew who these scandal artists were. That’s when I, a little boy growing up in Janesville, Wisconsin, figured out that real fame isn’t just getting power, it’s abusing it. Nothing gets your name in the papers like a scandal!

I spent my time waiting to get into a position where I could have a scandal, working as an investment banker at Lehman Brothers (if only I had stayed there, what a fame-making scandal I could have been involved in there) up to Executive Vice President of cleaning conglomerate ServiceMaster. I thought of cooking the books at ServiceMaster but I figured that wouldn’t make news past page 5 of the Chicago Tribune so I continued to hold out for that brass ring: the Bush Administration.

In 2006, I did get a job working as for Bush as the head of Small Business Association but I have to admit I was a little intimidated to make my scandal right then. With Brownie at FEMA bungling Katrina as the flavor of the month and continual superstar Rumsfield continuing to piss off the troops in Iraq, I didn’t know how to compete with those heavy hitters. I mean Margaret Spellings was using the Department of Education to wage a culture war and that wasn't even being picked up on NPR, what chance did I have to make a scandal as a rookie? But since this June, I’ve finally had my chance. HUD, baby! That’s cabinet level shit!

And what have I done with this position? Nothing. Due to the housing crisis, I was so busy fulfilling the duties of my job that I never got around to completely ignoring those duties for my own personal gain. Oh, don’t give me the excuse that I haven’t been in office long enough, Schafer in Agriculture managed to get a scandal going in less than 100 hours as Secretary of Agriculture as he defended the practice of feeding America cows that might be carrying disease. But now I’ve wasted my time in the cabinet and haven’t even been involved with as much as a travel scandal.

I should have used housing funds to help build Homeland Security Chief Chertoff's illegal border fence idea. Ugh, you always think of the best ideas after the face.

Now when history looks back at the Bush administration, they will list this entire cabinet as horrible failures, there will be remembered for generations as some of the worst people to serve in any of these positions. But what about old Stevie Preston, I’ll just be noted as doing a serviceable job with a difficult situation that I inherited. Sigh, no one remembers those who are just serviceable. Maybe I can still go get a car out of the HUD motor pool, as long as security will still let me in, and knock over a 7/11. Oh what’s the use, the media’s already onto the Obama cabinet’s corruption. Sigh, I’ll never be famous.

Wait, I’ve got it, maybe I’ll run for governor in my adopted home state of Illinois! I’m sure to do something morally corrupt in that job!