Comparative Election Analysis: Crazy UFO People vs. Other Crazy UFO People

On election day, (which feels like it was a lot longer than a week ago both politically and temperature-wise) I was out canvassing for Obama when a guy threatened to shoot me if I stepped onto his property. Threatened with violence for supporting a Democrat in hippie Madison? This event made me ponder the glorious political diversity all around us. In my second installment of Comparative Election Analysis, I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that no group is homogeneous in it's political leanings. To showcase how omnipresent the red-blue divide, I've picked examples from a group I like to call: "Internet People Who Think They Telepathically Receive Messages From Space Aliens."

Depending on what Crazy UFO Person you ask Obama is either a Messenger signifying Earth's true dawning into new Frequencies of Light or simply another agent of the Repiloid Illuminati working to enslave us all. Which is it? Well, both sides present convincing arguments.

For: Obama as Messenger of Light


The above video is by a woman with a British accent named Magenta Pixie, who I believed was only supporting Obama because of their common membership in the Organization For People With Funny-Sounding Names (OFPWFSN Local 241). Ms. Pixie, has communed with a "powerful" group ofnine other psychics (whom, with all of their collective psychic brain power decided on the creative name of: The Nine) and decided that Obama is a "Lightworker" who will "raise our consciousness to new frequencies." Apparently, Magenta P. is from the school that believes that you can say anything and appear credible as long as you have a English accent. For further examples of instant British-intelligence look at the busty women trying to get me to invest in gold on late-afternoon television.

Many other Crazy UFO people agree with Magenta Pixie.

Merman believes that 1/4 of Earth's Population is here to assist Obama, I guess that's a bigger win than North Carolina.

Meanwhile, TheRealVerbz thinks there are more connections between Obama and Lincoln than just the fact that both of them started their campaigns at the old Illnois Statehouse.

And for those of you worried that Obama is just working for the Illuminati, wavemakerx is here to inform you that he's just going along with the master plan of Lightworking. Though I'm still not sure what the master plan of Lightworking is...

Against: Obama as Puppet-Tool of the Reptiloid Illuminati

While Magenta Pixie and others have done a fine job giving their evidence of Barack's Lightworking. The more conservative psychic UFO channelers believe he is just another tool of the group known as the Iluminati. I though this might be a good thing for a 'Lightworker', as Illuminati is Latin for 'enlightened' but apparently the Illuminati are evil and control the entire planet somehow.

xxxXhaggardXxxx has his concerns about Magenta's channeling.

Theslothmonkey starts things off by pointing out all the powers of the Illuminati/New World Order who have conspired to put Barack Obama into power. In his haste to post, he must have accidentally forgotten to add on the bibliography of his years of "analytical research."

Will points out that this may be even worse than the Illuminati...
The Reptilians are a group of aliens whose existence has been revealed to the world by British author David Icke. The Repilians (or Reptiloids, the scholarship debates the correct name) use their shape-shifting abilities to blend in with the human population and assume positions of power to slowly enslave humanity, much like the plot of the film They Live, which had coincidentally been released shortly before Icke released his theories. Many prominant world figures are actually Repilian aliens including: George H.W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth II, George W. Bush (makes sense, why would George H.W. have a non-Reptiloid baby?) and Kris Kristofferson. While I'm a fan of "Me and Bobby McGee" and the entire Blade trilogy, Kris Kristofferson really seems to be slacking compared to the other Reptilians when it comes to taking offices of power.

Still, Obama is merely controlled by the Reptilians, which still makes for an upgrade over W. who is a Reptilian. On second thought, maybe I should put Will's comment in the Pro-Obama section.

Meanwhile, crazvy provides more actual physical evidence to back of his/her opinion than any other commentator yet.

And of course, no matter the argument, some jackass Ron Paul supporter always shows up.

Just like those of us in the real world, Crazy UFO People are convinced Obama is either the key to our salvation or the harbinger of death for us all. Then those are those few in the fringes of the Crazy UFO People movement who decide to take an approach known as "wait and see."

It's really sad when a Crazy UFO Person realizes it's insane for anyone to vote for a ticket with Sarah Palin on it.

Comparative Election Analysis: Ralph Nader vs. The Guy From That Show Wings

So Ralph Nader has lost it. I admire the man's advocacy work in the 70's. I don't even mind his Presidential races every 4 years, even if they split the progressive 3rd Party vote during a year when the Green Party actually had a good candidate in McKinney. Although you would think being so environmentally conscious, he wouldn't make his supporters buy new campaign swag every 4 years, I'm imagining a reusable bumper sticker that would say "Nader - Interchangeable Ethnic Name Vice Presidential Candidate" and Nader would ship out new year stickers like the DMV mails me license plate stickers. Just imagine the joy in Nader-fans when they would get the new stickers, "The '12s have arrived. Crunchy."

But Nader really showed me how crazy he is with what he had to say about Obama on Fox News:
"To put it very simply, he [Barack Obama] is our first African American president, or he will be. And we wish him well. But his choice, basically, is whether he is going to be Uncle Sam for the people of this country or Uncle Tom for the giant corporations."

Yeah, Nader called Obama a potential Uncle Tom. Really, The Dallas Morning News has the transcript and the video. After this, Shepard Smith was taken aback (Note: when you are too racist for Fox News you might have a problem) and gave Nader an opportunity to clarify which he declined to do and Nader has also refused to apologize in the two days after this. By the way, between his reaction to Joe the Plumber's "Obama=Death To Israel" comment and his shock at Ralph Nader's hate speech, I'm kinda starting to like Shepard Smith.

Nader has gone so far off the deep end that 70's safety advocate Nader would close down the pool that current Nader is in for allowing such ridiculous depths.

Shortly after realizing that Nader is quickly becoming the national equivalent of Madison's Will Sandstrom, I went over to Huffington Post where I came upon some of the most poetic and clear descriptions of what this election means in the greater context of America.

"Obama's speech echoed the rhythms of Lincoln, Kennedy and King, summoning the essences of their greatest speeches while adding the ebullient urgency of his own amazing ascension to this place, in this time. While to his detractors his intellect and grace was derided as elitist arrogance, as seen and heard tonight it is rather inescapably clear that he has emerged in order to carry out a mission: to lead us back to the path upon which America must tread in order to fulfill its destiny, not as a massive, seething, commercial venture but as a progressive land of freedom.

"Even in this day of consumerist overkill there is more to life than making money. There is a need for inspiration, for belonging, for hope, for everyone of us to feel connected and secure to a spirit that supersedes the pervasive and omnipresent materialism that has come to embody America. Eight years of spiritual drift has made us thirst for real leadership. The Bush straw man is banished for the moment (who knows for how long?); the oligarchs in their mincing approximations of folksiness having successfully assured the working classes that they should be trusted are now unmasked."

This post-consumerist rant, that goes into the need for both individual freedom and collective belonging in America was written by none other than Steven Weber, the guy from that 90's sitcom, Wings. (Quick aside: YouTube has far more Wings fanmade music videos than you would expect.)

In summation, comparing talks about the impact of massive corporations on this election and what an Obama Presidency means for working Americans, Ralph Nader has had his ass handed to him by a guy from Wings. The only way this could be more embarrassing is if it was a guy from Paul McCartney's Wings. Nader has done his time, now his fans need to pick some other figurehead to rally around before Nader fans become the next Lyndon LaRouche-ies. Nader fans, may I suggest Steven Weber? If he could last 8 years on Wings, he could handle 8 in the White House.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go spend the next few days reading the thesaurus as I'm still humbled by Steven Weber's command of the English language.

Your Vote Matters. For Frank Caliendo.

If you are an American, before you go to the polls tomorrow, think about how your vote will effect people all over the world. It's not overstating the importance of this election to say that it will have a major impact on the lives and livelihoods of countless millions, including Frank Caliendo. For years, he has been doing impressions of celebrities on Mad TV (At least according to the internet, I wasn't willing to turn on Comedy Central and sit through Mad TV in order to fact check this) and his own show on TBS (which I can confirm exists as they advertise it during TBS's Saved By The Bell reruns). Caliendo has played George W. Bush and John Madden, not the most unique impressions, but Frank adds in the clever twists of playing fat versions of them.
Fat Madden. Fat Bush.
I really hope I'll get more hits to this blog with an image entitled "Fat Bush." But Fat Bush success is a fleeting one, both for my blog and Frank Caliendo. After January, his Fat Bush will be nearly useless, Caliendo knows this and is having a one-hour election special playing Fat Bush tomorrow night. While the rest of the world is watching election results, Caliendo will be trying to milk Fat Bush for one last hour.

But there's hope, with a new administration comes new political figures that could use a fat characture. A McCain Administration, though increasingly unlikely in the polls, would be very easy for Frank Caliendo. All he needs to do is take his Fat Madden costume, throw a band-aid on the side of his face, carry around a model of a house (Cause McCain owns a lot of houses!), and say "My friends" a lot. Then Frank can say hello to Fat McCain and 4 more years of TBS success.
Fat McCain.
Now Obama presents a much bigger problem. Not that Caliendo wouldn't be willing, or even eager, to wear Fat Blackface but I'm just worried that his Fat Obama would get confused for the High Life Guy or possibly a mushtache-less version of NFL on CBS's J.B.
Possible Fat Obama confusion.
But if Obama wins, I suggest that Frank try to break new ground and go for a Fat V.P. That's right Fat Joe Biden. It's simple, once again take his Fat Madden costume (which now that I look at it, I think it's the same suit that Fat Bush wears) and throw on some of that creepy fake-orange tan that skinny Joe Biden always seems to be wearing. He can even carry around Fat Madden's football because Biden is a working man and working men like football.
Fat Biden.
Maybe Caliendo can get even more creative (or as I call it: Calieative) and go into a potential Obama cabinet. If Al Gore does something for the Obama administration on global warming, Frank could do a Fat Gore... on second thought, he could do a Gore. Or Obama's people have talked about keeping around current Bush defense secretary Robert Gates. Gates is already a chubby, pasty guy. Why hasn't Frank been keying up those hot DefSec jokes for the last two years?
Holy poop, this is a Frank Caliendo impression that wouldn't suck.

5 Deleted Scenes That Would Have Ruined Classic Movies

The movies that make me angriest are mediocre movies that would have been great if they had just been edited a little bit better. For example, Chronicles of Riddick has a great beginning and one of the best endings of all time but the middle part is a long, boring trip to a prison planet that ruins the whole movie. Looking over my DVDs, I noticed that some of the movies I love the most could have easily been damaged by subplots and non-sequitur scenes that were thankfully (and miraculously) removed before release. These lame scenes would not have just been lame on their own but could have potentially ruined the whole movie. To prove my point, here are 5 classic movies (note: My definition of 'classic' means movies I loved as a child and action films) and the deleted scenes that threatened to destroy them.

Ghostbusters: Bill Murray and Dan Ackroyd As Hobos


Ghostbusters is probably the movie that most describes my childhood but I might have a completely different view of the movie if they had left this scene in. In this deleted scene, Bill Murray and Dan Ackroyd play two homeless guys who have a 45-second conversation about boxers vs. martial artists in the middle of the film for no apparent reason. Their conversation serves no purpose to the overall plot and would have derailed the film during the bottom of Act 2, right when the conflict is supposed to be at it’s highest.

Particularly as kids, I have to imagine many of us wouldn’t have figured out that Murrary and Ackroyd were playing different characters and would have wondered, did the Ghostbusters just become homeless right now? Not to mention, Bill Murray seems to be playing his Caddyshack character as a bum in this scene, even down to the wardrobe. In some alternate universe, this scene would have weirded out an entire generation of kids. In that parallel world, we would use this scene as our ultimate barometer of mind-fucks. Instead of saying, “that came out of left-field,” we would say, “Did it just get homeless in here?” In fact, I bet it’s probably a very popular Lol cat in that familiar but alien reality.


Demolition Man: Needless Emotional Subplot

Demolition Man is one of the stupidest but most fun action movies I know but it could have all fallen apart if they had keep in a serious side plot when Stallone grieves over his daughter who died while he was frozen. I’m not knocking Stallone’s acting abilities but how is any actor supposed to go from the trauma of losing their whole family in one scene and then react to how comically weird the future is. If I just found out my daughter had died, I wouldn’t really spend a couple minutes commenting on how wacky it is that every restaurant is now a Taco Bell, I’d be more focused on my dead daughter.

Besides, we had already seen this exact plot in a movie, it was called Aliens when Ripley’s daughter had died while she was frozen. Except that plot actually made thematic sense as it would give her motivation to protect Newt as a surrogate daughter. As opposed to Demolition Man, when the dead-daughter plot sets up John Spartan’s thematic struggle to understand that wackiness of radio stations that only play old commercial jingles.

Die Hard With a Vengeance: Psychologically Warped John McClane


The ending of Die Hard 3 that audiences came to know involves Bruce Willis taking out a helicopter by shooting power-lines with a revolver. It’s silly, but it makes sense for a Die Hard movie and leaves people walking out of the theatre happy and ready to tell their friends to go watch that Die Hard 3 for themselves. Contrast this with the original ending of Die Hard 3 where Jeremy Irons would get away with the robbery and framing Willis’s Jobn McClane for the crime (I keep on wanting to type John McCain) leaving McClane disgraced and psychologically twisted. McClane would track Irons all over the world and eventually force Irons at gunpoint to submit to a Saw-like puzzle. Irons would have to fire a rocket launcher with one end pointed at himself and the other pointed at McClane, insuring that one would die in the process. Boy, that’s going to leave the audience with a smile!

Yes, after two previous hit movies where Bruce Willis killed a lot of people and said awesome things, yeah, let’s assume that people don’t want that and put in some intense psychological trauma. I can understand how he thought this would be a good way to end the movie as Die Hard is most well-known as an intense psychological thriller. In fact, I often get Die Hard confused with Silence of the Lambs, I have to remember that Die Hard is the one with Carl Winslow. This ending would have done more damage to the Die Hard franchise than casting Justin Long as a sidekick.

Looks the same to me.

The Blues Brothers: Magic Bluesmobile

Not to keep ripping on Dan Ackroyd’s scripts but for a funny guy, he has some really bad ideas. Like his Ghostbusters 3 script that would involve the Ghostbusters going to Hell or this deleted scene in Blues Brothers. Originally, Ackroyd wanted the Blues Brothers’ car, the Bluesmobile, to be struck with lightning right by a transformer (an electrical transformer, not car/robot). And he wanted to imply that it means the car is “charged up” for it’s impossible stunts.

What works about Blues Brothers is that it’s a movie that slowly gets more and more ridiculous. The movie does such a good job getting you into it that most people don’t even realize how weird the movie really gets. At the opening of the movie, we see the Bluesmobile do a quick jump over a bridge but 2 hours later we are willing to see it do backflips in the air because the movie has slowly ramped up the ridiculousness. Having something so silly so early in the film would have taken the audience out of the movie instead of gradually immersing you into that world.

Besides, director John Landis has the correct opinion on this matter, we don’t need to know how the Bluesmobile can do what it does, it’s just a magic car and we accept it.

Not needed.
Back to the Future II: Biff Disappears for No Good Reason


In this scene deleted from Back to the Future II, Old Biff returns from stealing the DeLorean time machine only to promptly fade away and disappear. Why? Well, according to director Robert Zemeckis, Marty’s mom had shot and killed Biff sometime after 1985. Wow, it’s so obvious. While movies often spoonfeed people too much plot (like having the Bluesmobile get struck by lightning), this example shows that doing the opposite and giving people too little information can be even worse. This plot point makes about as much sense as going from a scene in 1985 and abruptly cutting to a shot of Marty McFly on the moon. Would you expect that the audience would have inferred that Marty must have travelled back to 1969 and hopped on Apollo 11? No, instead audience members would have just said, “Did it just get homeless in here?”

Two weeks from today: Go see Role Models

Yesterday, I was able to go see a free preview screening of of the new Paul Rudd movie Role Models, directed by Stella's David Wain, and it was awesome. It’s what you should go see on Friday Nov. 7th before you head to either an Obama-victory party or Obama-loss funeral for America.

The movie stars Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott. Paul Rudd finally gets the chance to have his own film after being the number 2 guy in everyone else’s star making vehicles (Will Ferrell in Anchorman, Steve Carell in 40 Year Old Virgin, Seth Rogen in Knocked Up and Alicia Silverstone in Clueless. Yeah, I went there for the Clueless reference.). Rudd, who co-wrote the script with director David Wain and Ken Marino, does an excellent job of playing a total sarcastic dick. He helped write this role for himself and has way too much fun playing it. Sean William Scott plays a guy who is obsessed with sex and loves to party, which is a HUGE stretch for the actor. Okay, so he’s basically playing Stifler but Scott knows how to play this type of comedy well and wrings laughs out of his frequent non-sequiturs and makes even his most horribly offensive lines sound charming.

The main plot of the film is that guys are energy-drink marketers who get arrested and are forced to go into a Big Brothers/ Big Sisters-type program. In the program, Rudd’s character is paired with Superbad’s Mc Lovin’, yeah, the actor has a name other than McLovin’ but I bet you don’t know it plus he is basically just playing McLovin’ again so I’ll just keep calling him McLovin’. So McLovin’ takes Rudd LARPing (Live Action Role Playing) and here the movie does an awfully smooth mix of making fun of LARPing while also respecting it. The movie makes fun of the people who take it too seriously while still validating the activity as something that’s valuable for McLovin’, if director Wain hadn’t been able to keep that balance, Rudd’s and McLovin’s plot would have fallen apart.

Sean William Scott is meanwhile paired with Bobbe’ J. Thompson, the greatest child actor ever. The only thing I’ve seen Bobbe’ J. Thompson in before this was some Human Giant sketches but Bobbe’ J. Thompson owns Role Models. Bobbe’ J. Thompson does an awesome job as a kid who likes to swear and be perverted and nothing is funnier than a little kid swearing and being perverted. At the age of 12, Bobbe’ J. Thompson is awesomer than you or I ever will be. The movie’s most clever idea is to have Scott bond with young Bobbe’ by teaching him how to better at checking out cleavage. Bobbe’ J. Thompson also has a couple chances to show off his inner vulnerability, under Wain’s direction, it’s Thompson that’s allowed to have the most-layered and vulnerable performance in the movie. Damn, Bobbe’ J. Thompson is awesome.

For those who are familiar with director David Wain’s other work (Dan and Jon, 2 out of the 4 people who might read this), this is probably Wain’s most mainstream work to date. It’s certainly nowhere as nihilistic as the films Wet Hot American Summer or The Ten or his work in the comedy groups’ The State and Stella. While the movie takes place in a much more grounded world than anything else Wain has worked in, there is still as much crude sexual humor as there was in any Stella short. Moving all of Wain’s trademark dick jokes to a realistic world where there are a lot of kids around only makes them seem more wrong. The plot is also far less subversive than Wet Hot American Summer’s or his webseries Wainy Days but it doesn’t feel like a sell-out film intended for mass market popularity, ala Linklater’s School of Rock, instead it feels like it fits on the DVD shelf next to other State-alumnus projects. Supporting roles by many actors who have worked with Wain in the past also help keep it going.

I only have two small complaints for the movie as a whole. The bottom of the second act drags a bit as we wait for Rudd and Scott’s characters to redeem themselves after screwing up (that’s not a spoiler, that’s just 3-act structure. I can forgive the bit of slowness in act 2 as it’s the first time Wain and Marino are writing a comedy that follows a 3-act structure as opposed to making fun of it… plus act 3 is so great, it makes you forget the end of act 2. The Act 3 of Role Models is so awesome, it’s the Bobbe’ J. Thompson of 3rd acts. Note, I will now rate the awesomeness of things in relation to Bobbe’ J. Thompson. The other issue is that Elizabeth Banks is wasted as Paul Rudd’s ex-girlfriend, she really isn’t given anything funny to do and it’s a tremendous waste of her talent. Maybe she was doing it as a favor to Wain for her early role in Wet Hot American Summer or maybe just because she wanted to be in 3 major release films in 1 month.

Overall, taking Wain’s perverted comedy and moving it to a more mainstream-accessible form makes it a hilarious comedy if you love stuff like Stella or Wet Hot American Summer but it’s also a hilarious comedy if you hate Stella or Wet Hot American Summer.

5 Bad Wisconsin Political Figures and Why J.B. Van Hollen is worse than all of them.

In honor of the impending decision on Wisconsin Attorney General and Wisconsin McCain Campaign Co-Chair J.B. Van Hollen's lawsuit seeking to toss hundreds of thousands of (overwhelmingly Democratic-leaning) voters off of the rolls just in time for the Presidential election, I've decided that Van Hollen is the worst political figure in Wisconsin history. So to prove my point, here's a list 5 Wisconsin politicians I don't like and why J.B. Van Hollen is worse than each of them.

Kathleen Falk:

Why she’s bad:

Her near decade of service as Dane County Executive often reads less like a record of solid achievements for the county and more like the build-up of her own resume. With her work on her 2002 gubernatorial race, 2007-08 campaigning for Hillary Clinton, and her 2006 race for Attorney General where she saw an opening after sitting A.G. Peg Lautenschlager got a DWI. Her primary race against Peg split the Democratic Party but narrowly allowed for a Falk win. Her general election campaign for Attorney General, basically trying to elect a Dane County Liberal in very purple Wisconsin, allowed Mr. J. B. Van Hollen to win the race in a year when Republicans across the board lost. This victory allowed J.B. Van Hollen to become the biggest rising star in the Republican Party.

Falk is also trying change the “drinking culture” in Madison and her War on Drinking sounds like it will be just about as effective as the War on Drugs or the War on Terror. Though, if I’m wrong for only the third time in my life (The first two times are when I thought that ordering Domino’s Pizza was a good idea one night and when I thought that the 2nd and 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movies wouldn’t totally suck) and the War on Drinking does actually work, it will prevent other Wisconsin elected officials from getting DWIs; thus preventing future Kathleen Falk statewide-races, so that would be nice.

Why she isn’t as bad as J.B. Van Hollen:

Sure, Falk has spent a lot of her elected time running for other offices, but at least she doesn’t break the law while on state time. Though J.B. Van Hollen thinks it’s fine if you do break the law, as long as you are his political ally. J.B. Van Hollen refused to investigate charges about now-Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice Michael Gableman abusing state resources. As Ashland County District Attorney, Gableman used a state phone to make calls to the Wisconsin Republican Party, McCallum for Governor Campaign and numerous Republican fundraisers. All calls that are highly illegal using state resources, whoopsies. But who really expects a county DA to know about the law? And who expects a state DA to prosecute crimes when someone of a similar political view is involved?

During the approximately 19 months where Falk hasn’t been running for another, there are times when she has helped get through really good legislation. Recently, she worked with the Dane County Board to decree that the county won’t do business with businesses that don’t offer partner benefits. See, there’s some good reform that only adds a tiny amount to health care costs and getting good stuff done in a tough budget year. Meanwhile, J.B. Van Hollen has spent the off hours from his primary job of being a political hack by fighting Wisconsin’s biggest legal concern: the merger of XM and Sirius Satellite Radio. I feel safer already.

Jim Sensenbrenner:

Why he’s bad:

Saying that Sensenbrenner, the Representative from Wisconsin’s 5th Congressional District, occasionally abused his power as Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee is like saying that Yakov Smirnoff occasionally observed differences between daily life in the Soviet Union and the US. Sensenbrenner had his hands on nearly every infamous piece of Republican party-line legislation, serving as one of House managers of Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial and being the House member to introduce the PATRIOT Act. Thanks Jimmy for having the wisdom as Judicary Chairman to introduce a sweeping bill that was handed to you by the State Department, with wide-reaching effects on Civil Liberties, and making sure that it got passed before anyone had a chance to read it. Sensenbrenner must have been proud of that PATRIOT Act because when the Act was up for renewal, the Democrats in the House started asking too many questions he ordered cameras and lights turned off in the committee room.

Also, Sensenbrenner used his authority to block a bill that would increase penalties for making animals fight (H.R. 817) so apparently he hates puppies. Or at least puppies that don’t win fights.

Why he isn’t as bad as J.B. Van Hollen:

Even as a ridiculously partisan guy, Sensenbrenner has very occasionally worked across party lines. He was the only Republican in Nancy Pelosi. Somehow ultraconservative Jim managed to spend hours in the same plane and then the same room as Nancy Pelosi, a woman whom Republicans consider to be a greater sign of liberalism than a black lesbian illegal immigrant performing a 2nd trimester abortion. Sensenbrenner even said: "In the US Congress, there is no division between Democrats and Republicans on the issue of protecting Tibetan culture and eliminating repression against Tibetans around the world.” Wow, that’s um… awfully grown up, seeing Sensenbrenner work with Democrats is like watching that old Coca-Cola ad where Mean Joe throws his jersey to the kid who gives him a Coke, it restores your faith in humanity.

Meanwhile, J.B. has demoted qualified people if they sent joking e-mails about him around or pushed them into retirement if they disagreed with his politics. When Jim Sensenbrenner has a longer history of bipartisan achievements than you, it’s clear that you are a horrible elected official.

Chuck Chvala:

Why he’s bad:

For those of you who are newer to Wisconsin, Chuck Chvala was the former Democratic leader in the State Senate who used his staffers and campaign offices to run political campaigns. As you would remember from the Gableman example, that’s highly illegal. Chvala’s abuses of power helped to tarnish the long-held reputation of Wisconsin as a state with clean politics dating back to the days of Fighting Bob LaFollette. Also, beyond the illegal stuff, Chvala really helped establish an acrid tone for partisan politics that helped establish the nasty tones politicians in Wisconsin, including Van Hollen, take today.

Why he isn’t as bad as J.B. Van Hollen:

While Chvala may have damaged the reputation of LaFollette’s progressive legacy, Van Hollen is working to destroy it completely. It’s shameful that in a state that pioneered the Open Primary, giving citizens greater access to democracy, Van Hollen is working tirelessly with his current lawsuit to deprive Wisconsin citizens of their right to vote.

Plus, Chvala lost his political prestige and went to jail for mixing campaigning with serving in office while J.B is still serving as McCain’s Wisconsin co-chair while advancing a McCain-boosting political agenda using his official office. Van Hollen is still the state’s top cop with a lot of political power while Chuck is now serving a sentence worse than jail time: hosting a web-only show for WISC-TV in Madison. At least in prison, you get to see other inmates in the yard, this web-only political show is hidden so deep on Channel3000.com that it’s almost impossible to find. Seriously, try going to channel3000.com and finding Chvala’s show on there and tell me if you can find it in less than 5 minutes, I dare ya.

James S. Haney

Why he’s bad:

Less famous than the others on this list and not actually an elected official, James Haney has had a larger impact on Wisconsin politics in the last few years serving as President of business lobbying group Wisconsin Manufacturers & Commerce. Haney and WMC have funneled tons of cash towards making sure that pro-business candidates get elected by any means necessary. They are even willing to say that their candidate’s opponents are best buddies with rapists if it means less government regulation on businesses.

Why he isn’t as bad as J.B. Van Hollen:

As I said, he isn’t an elected offical. He’s a lobbyist, a lobbyist for big business. By that very definition I expect him to lack morals and ethics and be a sneaky jerk. But when somebody holds the office of Attorney General, I think they have an important duty to uphold the law, even if their interpretation of the law is drastically different than mine. J.B. Van Hollen should be held to a high standard and seeing his office file politically-motivated potentially-disenfranchising lawsuit makes me lose faith in the offices of government… Wow, that got too serious, so um… poopy pants. There, that lightened it back up.

Joe McCarthy:

Why he’s bad:

He’s freaking Joe McCarthy. He held witch hunts using the power of the U.S. Senate to try and root out fictitious Communists.

Why he isn’t as bad as J.B. Van Hollen:

Sure, Joe McCarthy held witch hunts using the power of the U.S. Senate to try and root out fictitious Communists but looking back on it, it almost looks quaint these days. McCarthy actually managed to find some Communists, even if their threat was completely and ridiculously overblown, there was an actual (minor) threat to begin with. J.B. has done McCarthy one better and made up threats, considering Van Hollen made the case in 2006 that he needed to be elected in order to fight against terrorist training camps in Wisconsin. As somebody who likes to make jokes about the news, I almost get mad when something like “Wisconsin Terrorist Camps?” is a headline because the idea itself is so rediculous, there is really nowhere to go to make it funnier. It’s like making Sarah Palin jokes, sure you can come up with some zingers but nothing will be funnier than just repeating her actual quotes, you can’t top her mindlessness.

At least Senator McCarthy was honest and open about his persecutions, he admitted he was trying to root out Commies. Meanwhile, J.B. Van Hollen carries out his political crusades and has the gall to lie about the underlying partisan motivations. When refering to his now-infamous get rid of voters lawsuit, he actually said, “I think people will realize if there's one thing we haven't done since I've been attorney general is do things for partisan or political reasons.”

Man, I strongly dislike J.B. Van Hollen.

The real reason for our economic collapse...

From the Wisconsin State Journal online comments section...

Once again, I guess the root cause of the problem are humans and our primitive illogical ways.

The Importance of Being Sconnie

I was recently sent this article on a bar in Allouez, WI opening soon called Sconnie’s Pub and Eatery. At first, I was excited to hear about this. After all, my friends Casey, Jon, and I often dreamed about opening a bar called the Sconnie that would feature all Wisconsin beers, Fleishmann’s would be top-shelf liquor, there would be a shrine facing Lambeau Field for daily prayers and all food would be deep-fried. The idea of our dream Sconnie bar stuck in our minds so long that we made a skit about it when we founded a comedy group in Madison, the now dearly departed Public Drunkards. The production values are terrible but the Sconnie pride shows through so that it is still a favorite even if the audio sounds like it was recorded on Thomas Edison’s original record player.

Here's the skit. Note: Video is in no way work safe.



Sure, there have been Wisconsin themed restaurants out there, like The Old Fashioned in Madison that I love it dearly but it’s a little fancy to be true Sconnie. Real Sconnie is the rough, partying too hard until you pass out parts of Wisconsin. Real Sconnie is inventing new types of fried food and then, upon creation, promptly finding a way to inject molten cheese into it. I had hoped that this bar was going to be the real Sconnie bar that I had long dreamed of… still I had reservations right away.

First of all, they call it Sconnie’s Pub and Eatery. I’ve never had a Sconnie guy ask me if I want to go to the Pub. Unless of course they are asking me to go to The Pub, the dirty pool hall with an occasionally-working air hockey table and free popcorn that has Cheetos mixed in (a very Sconnie bar, btw). No, in Wisconsin, you go to the BAR.

Secondly, the teaser line below the headline stated: “Allouez pub and eatery will cater to business lunches, fine diners.” When it should have really read: “Allouez BAR and GRILL will cater to HUNTING PARTIES, BAR CRAWLS.” But at this point, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and assumed that fine diners is just code for people who get at least 3 plates of the Friday Fish Fry.

But what really got me angry enough to start a blog specifically to complain about how I don’t like a bar that I’ve never been to was this statement:

"We want to do a Wisconsin theme, but not overboard," Hanson said.

What? But not overboard, you say? The whole point of being Sconnie is going overboard. Overboard in drinking, eating, tailgating, everything. Saying you want to be Wisconsin-themed but not go overboard is like if the RNC had said for their convention, "Let's not have too many shows of blind patriotism in St. Paul." Sconnie's is located in Allouez, the place where THE VINCE LOMBARDI once lived, if they can't overdo Wisconsin, no place can. From that point on, I knew that this bar was a mere pretender to the throne and in this blog, I will spend way too long explaining how un-Sconnie this bar truly is while celebrating the greatness of real Sconnie.

Sconnie is a word of pride in Wisconsin and should not be taken lightly nor used for cheap marketing purposes. There are two main groups of people who call themselves Sconnie: Native Born Sconnie and Immigrant Sconnie. Native Born Sconnie folk grew up in Wisconsin, have a pride in their homeland and it’s overconsumption hertitage of beer, Packers, and cheese. You can find Native Born Sconnies all over the state, from the Northwoods to Milwaukee to strange foreign lands like Minneapolis where many have been forced to move for work or for partner insurance benefits.

Immigrant Sconnies are folks who have moved to Wisconsin from elsewhere and have chosen to embrace their new home. Many Native Born Sconnies in Madison choose to deride Immigrant Sconnies, viewing them as no different as any other of the hated “Coasties.” But I say, once you have partied with me at a Badger tailgate, drank with me at Mifflin, and vomited with me on the morning after… you are my brother or sister no matter where you were born. In fact, one night I saw a UW-Madison student from India drink an entire group of Native Borns under the table, proving that he was the most Sconnie one there. I view Wisconsin as a melting pot, except we take everything from that melting pot and we flash fry it.

When it comes to marketing Sconnie, the most prominent users of the Sconnie name is the website Sconnie Nation founded by the guys who trademarked the name and made the now famous Sconnie t-shirts. Sure, Sconnie Nation seems to be aimed primarily at those who I call Immigrant Sconnies and there is a little tongue-in-cheek irony there but I’ll allow it as most people in Madison don’t know how to enjoy anything if it isn’t filtered through an ironic prism. But, overall, I think they do a fine job of spreading the image of Sconnie life and give the site a great community feel. Everything on the site is filled to the brine with pure Wisconsin, much like the La Crosse Oktoberfest patron filled to the brim with bratwurst and beer.

And this takes us back to Sconnie’s Pub and Eatery, where they don’t want to go “overboard” with being Sconnie even though that’s the exact thing that made the Sconnie t-shirt line such a success. There are several quotes in the rest of the article that showed how they are failing to embrace true Wisconsin heritage.

“Wireless computer connection will be available and TVs will be tuned to business news channels during lunch, Hanson said.”

Business news channels are not Sconnie. Sure a lot of Sconnie folk work during the day but it’s only so they can make money to afford true Sconnie things like going to a Packer game or buying copious amount of cheddar. While you are in a true Sconnie bar, you shouldn’t feel like you are wearing a white collar, instead you should feel like you are wearing flannel. TVs at a Sconnie bar should be tuned to fishing shows and maybe FSN North, but the channel needs to be changed if they are showing any games featuring the Cubs or Vikings unless the Cubs or Vikings are losing badly.

“Music will be provided by an online system.
"If someone wants a request song; done," Hanson said.”

Internet jukeboxes suck. The joy of a record or CD based jukebox is that familiar songs that regularly come up on the jukebox become part of the atmosphere of the bar. Sure, internet jukeboxes can play almost any song you want but part of the fun in physical media jukeboxes is hunting around for something good, finding a great song on a real jukebox is like finding musical treasure. Like many other bars that have switched to internet jukeboxes, The Plaza Tavern lost a little bit of it’s Sconnieocity (definition: the degree to which a place is Sconnie) when it switched from an awesome sweet CD jukebox to an internet jukebox, it was if a part of the bar itself was gone. Also, a Sconnie bar with a CD jukebox should have Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald and Johnny Horton somewhere on there, it’s mandatory.

“They'll also have Guinness and other imported beers and 20 martinis.
"We want to have one of the best Guinnesses," Hanson said.”

Guinness? THIS IS THE WORST OFFENSE! You are called Sconnie’s and you are serving beer imported from another country? I like some imported beers but not in a bar that supposed to be celebrating Wisco state. Couldn’t you just get a good stout brewed in Wisconsin, like Futhermore’s Three-Feet Deep stout or Gray’s Oatmeal Stout. If you are looking how to do a good beer menu, look at the aforementioned Old Fashioned, a great Wisconsin themed restaurant where all the beers they serve are brewed in Wisconsin with the exception of their ‘imported’ beers: Bud and Bud Light. If you want to serve Guinness and do a bar theme that’s mere window dressing, just do what everyone did and open up an Irish Pub.

In conclusion, Sconnie’s Pub and Eatery should have as it’s motto: half-assed. True Sconnie spirit is what makes a Sconnie bar not what’s on the sign outside the bar and we should celebrate true Sconnie bars like:

The Joynt in Eau Claire, where they refuse to serve any light beer, that is a true Sconnie bar.

The Frequency in Madison, where they don’t have an Internet jukebox, even though they just opened this summer, and instead have a CD jukebox with local Wisconsin musicians, that is a true Sconnie bar.

Wolski’s Tavern in Milwaukee, where they are just about to celebrate the 100th anniversary of opening a tavern in the SAME BUILDING they are still in today, that is a true Sconnie bar.

But… Sconnie’s Pub and Eatery, you sir, are no Sconnie bar.