The cards show me you've got a bright future and by cards, I mean greeting cards!

Guest Blog by: Scott DeLillo

Alright, I know things have been tough recently in America but let’s get the energy back up.

I know the economy is terrible…
banks and the big 3 auto collapsin’…
your 401k is so far into the crapper it’s cloging the drain…
but I’ve got the solution for your problems… say it with me…

Greeting Cards!


That’s right, I’m Scott DeLillo and 3 years ago, I was just like you. I was living on the streets, getting by on nothing but ramen noodles and a little hope. But that's when I found my calling and became a freelance greeting card writer. Now I’m renting a house that my landlord tells me is valued at 120 thousand dollars. That’s thousand with a t. And now I’m going help some of you get a slice of the delicious pie that’s writing greeting cards. Like you. And you, sir. Yes, ma'am, you too. Not you. But you.

For thousands of years, greeting cards have served an important purpose for every holiday and occasion that we kinda care about. Cards express the feelings we don’t feel enough to express ourselves but are willing to pay to have someone else express them for us. And that someone else is you.

Now, starting off the biz, you are going to be a freelance writer, if you want a staff writing gig at one of the big card companies you better be prepared to do a lot of sexual favors. I know a guy who orally pleasured the entire board of directors at American Greetings and all he got was Flag Day cards, that’s the Detroit Lions of greeting card accounts. You don’t want to know what you’ve got to do to make it into the ornament racket.

I won’t lie, this ain’t an easy business. In the last 8 years, there’s been in a bit of a downturn in the G.C.B. (Greeting Card Business, that’s industry speak) as young people have moved to sending out their greetings over the Facebook.. Are you happy when somebody writess you a happy birthday message on your Facebook wall that cost them nothing at all to send? Well, you shouldn’t be. In the G.C.B. we have a saying, “If they aren’t willing to spend, they aren’t really your friend.”

Let me throw some stats at ya. Since Facebook came to the UW in 2004, armed robberies in the downtown Madison area have gone up 7%. Coincidence? Of course not.

But thanks to the now-officialp recession, greeting cards are poised to make the biggest comeback since Jesus Christ (fyi, inspirational cards are huge this year. Throw in a Bible Verse and you are moving mondo card stock. I call it, Paul amongst the Cashrithians).

Cha-ching!

But because of the economy, the average person can’t afford to go home so they are sending cards instead. Sure, you’d like to spend some quality time with dear old Dad but it’s just as good to mail him a card that says, “Dads are like a large pizza. They are the big cheese.”. In fact, it’s even better because that great pizza-dad copy(mine) is better than anything Sally Q. Envelope Licker is going to say around the table and she won’t have to deal with the awkward situation when her brother gets too drunk off of the egg nog and has a PTSD episode from his time in Iraq. WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO OUR BOYS?

In fact, this Christmas, I’m still sending my Grandma a present along with her card. But that present, just a big empty box with another card inside. That’s right, two cards, that’s double the commission.

Nobody buys this artsy crap anymore.

Now what kind of cards should you write, well, pretty much any kind imaginable: weddings, divorces, got a job, got laid off, cards that look like they are going to be erotic but then you open them up and it’s really a picture of a really fat women, and retirements. But what you have to remember is that most cards are bought by women. It makes sense, cards are emotional and they are the ones who feel emotions. So for us guys, we’ve got to put ourselves into the mind of a woman.

Women love pugs.

Now to write for the female audience your card has to include one of the two following fields that are universal for all women, at least according to the best data the G.C.B. has to offer. First of all, all women love shopping. They live for the accumulation of expensive flashy material goods, they are like rappers with vaginas. When you are backed into a hard card topic like cancer, pet dying or pet dying of cancer, you can always throw in a punch line about buying more shoes. It’s not rocket science here folks. Secondly, all women are constantly trying to lose weight. They are fighting an ever-present battle with their mortal nemesis and secret lover, chocolate. I swear the only reason Eve ate that apple is because the serpent musta coated it in chocolate. Hot crap, that’s a good greeting card. None of you can use that, it’s mine. I see that on an Shoebox card and I will sue your ass.

Alright, so those are some basic tips to get you started. I’ll be seeing you all later… on the greeting card racks!