Satan Testifies Before Congress, Seeks Emergency Bailout For Hell

WASHINGTON – Satan, the Prince of Darkness and CEO of Hell, came before the Senate today to again ask for a 43 billion-dollar bridge loan for his struggling underworld domain. For his second attempt to get a bailout for Hell, Satan arrived on Capitol Hill in a humble Prius after his previous mode of transport, bursting forth in a cloud of sulfur from the belly of a stillborn pig, was criticized as being too flashy.

Satan immediately spoke with an uncharacteristically dire tone, “Without sufficient liquid capital to keep the Inferno running, all Hell operations may be forced to shut down by the beginning of 2009.”

The Prince of Darkness blames a variety of factors for Hell’s current cash crunch. The deceiver blamed the economic recession for turning people away from decadence and greed, two of Hell’s financial pillars. Satan also blamed the staggering legacy costs of eternally tormenting the billions of souls that make up Hell’s ever increasing population, stating that it costs millions “just to bulk buy all of the maggots needed to feed on the sinners’ flesh.” Satan himself admitted that he did not think about the ongoing costs of torturing all of these souls when he signed the contracts to buy millons of baby boomers' souls during the 1980’s.

Several Senators quickly spoke up for the troubled netherworld, saying that as one of the big 3 afterlives, along with Limbo and privately owned Heaven, Hell was “too big to fail.” Other Senators brought up the hundreds of thousands of jobs in Hell-related industries that would be threatened by the Hell’s closure.

“If the Dark Lord’s temptations to gamble, drink, and commit adultery go away,” said Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nevada), “The job losses to my constituents in Las Vegas and Reno will be staggering.”

Other Senators were quick to pounce on the devil, saying that Hell’s crisis was it’s own fault and that it was undeserving of a federal bailout. Sen. Mel Martinez (R-Florida) brought up Satan’s well-known reputation as “a man of wealth and taste," as Martinez blamed Satan’s extravagant excesses for Hell’s financial troubles. Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-California) then listed off a number of Satan’s business failures including his loss of a 3.7 million-dollar gold fiddle in a fiddling contest that turned into a PR-damaging fiasco.

“It says here that the boy you challenged was carrying a fiddle at the time, shouldn’t you have figured out that he probably practiced fiddling and might be a challenge?” asked Boxer, “He was from the great state of Georgia, why didn’t you challenge him to something he was going to suck at, like reading?”

Boxer went on to add, “What does Hell get out of owning any of these souls anyway?”

Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-Michigan) shows several examples of Hell's multi-million dollar campaigns to promote evil that she critiques as, "wasteful and needless spending."

Satan meanwhile tried to point out bright spots in Hell’s investment portfolio, such as Hell’s rights to 15 percent of the syndication revenue of popular television sitcom Two and a Half Men. The CEO uncomfortably shifted on his cloven hooves as he proposed drastic steps he was willing to take to keep his dark domain afloat with the help of a Federal loan. Satan presented plans to sell off one of the outer-levels for Hell for condo development and pending sponsorship deals on the seven deadly sins such as “Wrath: Powered By Google” or “KFC’s Gluttony.”

The Prince of Darkness began to win over a few skeptical Democratic leaders in the Senate as he argued that the continued existence of Hell as vital for getting American consumers to make eco-friendly choices.

“Have you seen how proud people are when they carry around their reusable green grocery tote bags? Let us not forget that Pride is one of the seven deadly sins,” said Satan, “Hell will play a crucial role in restructuring the American economy for green-collar jobs.”

Even with his environmental plea, the bailout for Hades still looked like it was set to fail until Satan reminded Evangelical Senators that without Hell there would be no Anti-Christ, a prerequisite for the End Times.

“As you can see here, in our long-term financial forecast, I will impregnate an unclean jackal and my brood, the anti-Christ, shall be born. It shall bring about the End of Days,” said Lucifer. Satan went on to apologize for forgetting to mention that earlier. He said he was used to his previous Congressional testimonies, where former-Senator Bill Frist would bring up the need for the coming Apocalypse before Satan even had a chance to get to it.

With Democrats convinced that Satan had a feasible green business plan and Republicans eager to bring about the glorious return of Jesus Christ, the bailout of Hell overwhelmingly passed the Senate.

“It is now clear that the taxpayers need to help out Satan,” said Sen. Sam Brownback (R-Kansas), “After all, it’s not like he is as bad as Citigroup.”